"What is wrong with me?" I keep thinking. I'm staring off into space. There's this void in front of me. Suddenly I feel nothing. Because it's far less painful to feel nothing. I'm out of my body again. But I want to feel something. But I get headaches now when I feel. What am I supposed to be feeling?
Regardless, I am trying to hide this. Keep my thoughts to myself. If I smile a lot no one will notice. Don't let anyone know I'm thinking incredibly ridiculous things. Stay off in the corner and cry so no one sees.
But this doesn't work. And the cracks are showing.
Anxiety is asking a few questions in a patterned row. The person you're talking to hears the same question, but your perception is you are asking different questions.
Alas, thus a true Martian feels differently. Do my words sound just? Are they inventive enough? Perhaps I'm talking to a void and no one really is listening. Where do I go wrong? What am I even trying to say?
Maybe I'm trying to ask if anyone else feels this way? But I don't think I've explained what feeling I'm feeling in the first place...
So then.... what?
In the mists of our adventure
I turned you to and said
"Thank you for being here,
let's get lost together."
A smile and nod
was the only thing needed
yet you told me anyway,
"forever and ever baby."
I felt so pretty this weekend.
You may never hear me say that again.
April 7th is a special today, yet perhaps, it has nothing to do with my looks.
When I have dreams, they register as memories, and are left there for me to look over whenever need be. I've been subconsciously going back to that one of me singing at the bar. I think something like that makes me feel pretty. Has nothing to do with my features, but more so that I'm doing something I love and people are enjoying the outcome of it.
To, so it seems, make people smile... or feel something that they otherwise wouldn't feel in their daily lives. I believe this is why my music tends to take a dreamy tone nowadays. Dreamy and Martian. My extended stay to Earth has been nice.
But, I think, it was the look in your eyes. Yes. Subtle, maybe, but for me it was shining true. Shining so brightly, it took my breath away. I was frozen in an everlasting moment, just how I wanted it to be. I felt completely calm, maybe for the first time in my life. Ah, yes, this is how it should be.
This is meant to be.
I'll forever be singing in my dreams.
I had a dream
a glimpse of hope
you were by my side
and for a short while
I was free from reality
able to travel the galaxy
hand in hand infinity
maybe it's all
I ever really needed
"What a terrible feat."
"Just being here."
"I can't pretend I don't see it."
"So why does the world try to hide it?"
"I'm sure it's because it's embarrassed."
When I look up at the night sky, I don't see the stars. It upsets me. The city lights are too bright. I want to see them shine, just for me. My castle alone causes too much light. How is this possible on such a barren wasteland such as Mars?
I must be a fool, right?
The universe doesn't do me any favors.
I have never been it's favorite.
But I am someone's favorite somewhere.
I want to reach out
and touch your fingertips
give you some warmth
in the freezing cold
instead hesitation insists
I wait a little longer
don't freeze to death my love
I'll be there in a minute...
My memory betrays me.
For it’s a powerful one.
A good one. An articulate one.
Yet, with each click to flick thought, everything multiplies.
Ah, you can see, there’s a world involved in the illusion. Sure. But what makes it so different. A fantasy. A reality. Too fake. Too real. Then what is real?
It’s all too vague for my misunderstanding anyway. Nothing’s a sureshot suddenly.
Regardless, I can’t die yet. Have a wide range I’d like to accomplishment apparently. I’m a hunter for sure. No farmer traits exist. But my craving will leave me hungry it seems.
There’s alotta questioning. “What’s the point? Why bother?” I'm finding the strings are getting severed. A simple snip and everything I’ve built is suddenly lost. All the reasons I’ve found over the years suddenly don’t matter.
All comes crashing down.
My sadness gets filtered into many things, yes, and that produces some relief. These words all become meaningless, maybe no one truly understands. Perhaps it is best said in a song or a picture or jumbled sounds of frustration. Nothing but an optical illusion to the dream colors bouncing around my head.
Yes. As you are my dear.
I'll be drowning in yet another melody.
Whether sad or happy, I tend to drift to music.
Maybe to complete the feeling or emotion.
At the moment, I may be stressed, but my life is happy.
I am optimistic, even when I shouldn't be.
It will be okay... right?
It's as you said
in a dream you visited
brushed back the darkness
just a little spirited
enough to create warmth
in a cold place
lingering as if
you're still here no chase
deep in my heart
exist no standstill
until we cross the cosmos
understanding the thrill
a joy to get lost
with you in the after thought
all I need is your hand
silver dreams wrought
Had wondered what it felt like.
Bounce around freely, no care in the world.
Waving to those who passed by in their rockets.
Tourists. See? Not so bad out here.
Sure, we all live in bubbles. Necessary to keep the oxygen in. Still, if able, perhaps seeing outside the gravity of our current state would be nice. Learn a bit about the universe, or others, or even oneself.
I trust at least I'm not the only one looking for more.
For now I shall play my music as a calling.
Echoing through space.
Can a Martian fall in love with an Earthling?
I've always considered myself odd. Able to adapt to surroundings, sure, but still not able to truly fit in with the environment.
Princess of Mars, my kingdom's always been open, but most don't visit. It is pretty far of a journey to travel, and I understand the cultural differences are strange to most.
Still some make it here. And they have a good time.
I'm okay with that...
Run, Alice, run.
The blue shines too bright
in the light
of the world around
catching stars for their own
burning bridges you've known
all goes around and around
So run, Alice, run.
Musings and such, derived from a place in my heart... scribbled in delight on these white pages. Black ink works wonders on the contrast.